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Thursday, June 30, 2011

i’m tired of speaking and interacting, and having to do things, having to wake up and move and eat and go to bed, and i’m tired of “why don't you get some fresh air”, tired of people making plans for me to get better, but mostly i’m tired of thinking. when i don’t think, the pain is good.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

"This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is"
Well, laughter pours from under doors
In this house, I don’t understand that sound no more
Seems artificial, like a T.V. set

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

you would think I'd be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine for the rest of your life

Monday, June 27, 2011

sunrise, sunset,

you wake up then you undress
It always is the same

For a sunrise or a sunset, you're manic or you’re depressed
Will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress
Did you really think she'd stay?

It’s a sunrise and a sunset, from a cradle to a casket
There is no way to escape

The sunrise or the sunset, hold your sadness like a puppet
Keep putting on the play

Sunday, June 26, 2011

In a kitchen this quiet I waited for a sign or just something
That might reassure me of anything close to meaning or motion
A reason to move
I need something I want to be close to

Saturday, June 25, 2011

But when there is no point to anything, it can get a bit confusing
Why is it that I keep going
Why is it that we keep going

Sunday, June 19, 2011

"[...] the stupid things you do are really the only things you’ve got that keep you centered and connected."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

anhedonia [ˌænhiˈdoʊniə] the inability to experience pleasure from activities that would normally be pleasurable

Monday, June 13, 2011

A relationship in my state is absurd in every way. Why should I want someone to actually get to know me? It would disgust them. I doubt it’s only my self-esteem that makes me say that, because even from a purely logical point of view I’m the last person you should start a relationship with, at the very least because of my illness. I would sabotage myself constantly: just the knowledge of the futility of it all and how soon the patterns of my behavior would show up and repeat themselves would discourage me to get seriously involved with someone, or at least be able to accept I’m worthy of someone’s affection. So I would send the wrong signals — and if my character, my looks or my actions wouldn’t have nipped the relationship in the bud by then, my preventive caution and my self-reproach would end it soon enough. I’d be left alone, once again, and my condition would worsen.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

god's bathroom floor

head full of pressure, restless senses that i clutch. made a date with divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck. and i got touched by a hazy shade of god. help me change. caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins

Friday, June 03, 2011

Ginger Cordell: Bleed 

Open a vein,
feel the rush,
exodus,
                                                                   delicious.

Don't be afraid,
there's no pain in the letting,
                                                                   delectable.

Watch the red flow,
let it go,
                                                                   drip,
make it slow,
                                                                   drip.

If you've done it right,
you won't wake from the night's
indescribably peaceful
                                                                   dream.